Peaceful Divorce

How To Get A Divorce The Peaceful Way - Even If Your Ex Is Not On Board!

In my 30 years as a divorce attorney, and especially the last 16 years that I have been a divorce mediator, and now as a counselor, a phrase I have heard very often when I get up on my soapbox about Peaceful Divorce is, “but you don’t know my ex!” or “it’s not possible to have a peaceful divorce in my situation”. Not so. You CAN learn how to get a divorce the peaceful way, whether your spouse or ex is on board right now or not.
Now that may not be what you want to hear because what it does is place the responsibility for your life right back where it belongs, with you. Believe me, a lot of the resistance you are feeling when you think of changing your story about your relationship with your spouse or ex is for this very reason!

Nonetheless, this is the way life works. You are creating your life by the primary thoughts you are thinking, and the feelings you are feeling through the universal law of attraction. Divorce doesn’t exempt you from the laws of life! You are creating your reality! The time to own it is now!

That’s good news! Isn’t it a relief? Isn’t it empowering to understand that you have the power to change your relationship with your spouse or ex by changing your attitude, and when that changes, everything changes?

But I’ve tried that, you say! It doesn’t work! Oh yes it does. You must be consistent, and persistent. Are you holding the vision of the relationship you would like with your spouse or ex? What does it look like? Hold that vision consistently, and patiently, and it will begin to materialize before your very eyes. You know that what you focus on expands! What do you want your divorce to look like? Your life afterwards? What are you focusing on? What you want, or what you don’t want?

Are you focusing on what is right with your spouse or ex instead of what is wrong? Are you making a concerted effort to remember the qualities you respected and admired when you married this person and perhaps had children with them?

Going through divorce is like driving a car. Are you looking through the windshield, toward where you are going, or through the rear view mirror, stuck in the past? Be proactive in creating the vision of what you want it all to look like and consistently hold that vision. What vision are you holding? Is it of a peaceful divorce? Is it of a respectful, effective co-parenting relationship with your spouse or ex? Is it of healthy, happy children and meaningful future relationships for yourself?

Don’t give up! Hold the vision of what you want, not what you don’t want! You will move in the direction you are looking and before you know it, you will have created a peaceful divorce, and the pathway to being happily divorced, if that is what you truly desire.

Respectfully submitted,

Cynthia Tiano
Peaceful Divorce Mediator/Attorney/Coach
Author, "Happily Divorced, Secrets of the Win-Win Formula"
http://HappilyDivorced.org

http://HappilyDivorcedCoaching.com/registration

Views: 3327

Comment

You need to be a member of Peaceful Divorce to add comments!

Join Peaceful Divorce

Comment by Robert Kellner on November 16, 2012 at 5:12pm

Cynthia,

When my wife and I decided to get a divorce 6 years ago the first call I made was to my father in law.  I told him no matter what comes my way I would treat his daughther with an amazing amount of respect, dignity and compassion.  This ended up being the most important call of my life.  While I had failed at marriage there was no way I was going to fail at divorce.  I certainly had a lot to be angry about but I refused to be a victim.  I came across a quote from the legendary John Wooden.  "The greatest gift a father can give his children is to love their mother."  I decided loving my boys mother would be even more important because we were getting divorced.  I very much believe in the Law of Vibration and Attraction.  The negativity which comes with divorce attracts more negativity into your life.  Figuring out how to love my ex has been the hardest thing I have ever done.  I have seen some extraordinary things happen becuase of it.  When my divorce was finalized (after a year) he called me up and told me to rip up a bill which had a years worh of fees on it.  I then received a call from my ex's attorney and she told me whe would reduce her bill to my ex by over half.  Today I am closer to my ex father in law then ever before and my kids are doing amazing.  I must admit I often feel very much alone in this way of thinking.  It was refreshing to see that I am not alone.      

Comment by Cindy Harari on November 30, 2010 at 9:56am
Thanks so much for reminding folks to be forward-focused and expend energy on what they want. It's the "power of one" and it works!
Comment by Cindy Harari on September 27, 2008 at 12:01pm
Having a former spouse or co-parent who is not “on the same page” is one of many challenges during or after divorce. The choices are to stay stuck in a place where you say: “he/she doesn’t get it, will never get it, won’t do it any other way” or take this time in your life as an opportunity to start doing things differently by shifting the focus to you.

When we say or do something, we cause a response or reaction. If we change the way we say or do things, we cause a change in the response or reaction of the people we are interacting with. I’ve called it "the power of one." Let’s look at an example:

In the course of divorcing, two parents are alternating weekends with their 2 children, ages 7 and 9. One the weekend that the children are with Mom, the 7-year-old has a soccer game at the same time that the 9-year-old has been invited to a birthday party. Mom cannot be in two places at once and becomes anxious and frustrated. Of course the children feel it. Mom’s vision, based on the dynamic that has evolved between the parents, is that “since it’s not Dad’s weekend, she has to figure it out herself,” creating stress for Mom and both children, and, possibly, perpetuating a complete lack of awareness in Dad.

What if Mom put aside her pre-conceived ideas about what Dad’s response might be and, even though it’s not “his” weekend, asked him to participate with her to facilitate the children’s activities on this day? It’s a different approach. It’s one person doing something differently and giving the other person the opportunity to do something differently in turn.

Maybe the underlying issue is that Mom doesn’t really want to share “her” weekend time with Dad. What’s that about? Maybe Dad really has no interest in seeing the children other than during “his” scheduled time. That’s something to look at too.

Time after time throughout the divorce process there are opportunities to make choices about how to approach issues that come up. If you have made the fundamental commitment to create a peaceful divorce, you will “talk the talk and walk the walk.” Over time, you will make more decisions and take more actions to further your commitment to creating a peaceful divorce.

If you don’t get the response you want from your former spouse or co-parent, don’t give up! This is a process that takes time, patience and work. You have the power to be proactive, persistent, and consistent about what you do to create your peaceful divorce. No one can control what anyone else says or does in response. However, you may be surprised to see that as you say and do things differently, the dynamics of your relationship with your former spouse or co-parent will begin to shift and your peaceful divorce will evolve.

Become an affiliate of the Happily Divorced! book and audio program! Let Reformed "Killer" Divorce Attorney, Cynthia Tiano, and Dr. Max Vogt, Marriage and Family Psychologist, take you on an adventure into the lives of two families going through the divorce legal system - one doing "legal battle" and the other creating a "peaceful divorce". Learn how to create a Win-Win from their experiences... HappilyDivorced.org


Events

Latest Activity

Robert D. Bordett, CFP, CDFA posted a blog post

Getting Divorced? Don’t Forget about Long Term Care Insurance!

Often when people go through a divorce, their emotions are tied up. The questions on their mind are “how does this marriage end?” and “what do I get financially?” When they do think about health insurance, they usually don't consider long-term care insurance (LTCi). Why is it so important for recently divorced or currently divorcing couples to think about long term care planning? Two…See More
Jul 5
Robert D. Bordett, CFP, CDFA posted a blog post

The Grey Divorce

Perhaps you’ve heard about the phenomenon known as the “grey divorce” and are wondering what it’s all about. An important study conducted by the Department of Sociology and the National Center for Family and Marriage Research at Bowling Green State University entitled “The Grey Divorce Revolution” addressed this issue. I was attending the Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts’…See More
Jun 7
Robert D. Bordett, CFP, CDFA posted a blog post

Elder Care Mediation

I recently attended a conference for The Academy of Professional Family Mediators in Memphis, Tennessee. One of the workshops I participated in was on elder care mediation, which gave some fascinating insights. A 2001 study, done by Debra B. Gentry, showed nearly 40% of adult children providing care for their parents reported serious conflict with siblings, usually related to a lack of sufficient help from those siblings. This study…See More
May 17
Robert D. Bordett, CFP, CDFA posted a blog post

Parallel Parenting: Making the Best of a Bad Situation

I very much appreciate working on divorce cases with a team, as it has so much value for clients. Mental health professionals can bring much-needed clarity to very difficult situations. The following article, written by Howard Dructman, PhD and Marsha Schechtman, LCSW, Atlanta Behavioral Consultants, explains how the concept of parallel parenting works:A literature…See More
Apr 11
Robert D. Bordett, CFP, CDFA posted a blog post

Why Do I Have to Prepare a Budget?

We all hate the word budget. How many times have you had a budget that never worked and only made life harder? And when you didn't follow it, did you feel like you failed?If a budget is done right, it will provide many benefits that are crucial when going through a divorce.A budget is a guideline to help you forecast how your cash flow will look.Having a budget keeps your priorities and values straight. Many…See More
Mar 23
Robert D. Bordett, CFP, CDFA posted a blog post

The Difference Between Litigation and Mediation: It's Personal

People have a range of preconceptions about divorce, the law, and the courts. In reality, going before a judge to air your grievances about your soon-to-be ex-spouse is rarely as satisfying as movies and television shows may have you believe. Mediation offers a private, cost-efficient alternative to litigation—but before you choose either venue, there are some guiding principles to keep in mind:Don't expect…See More
Mar 7
Robert D. Bordett, CFP, CDFA posted a blog post

The Taxes They Are A-Changing

Time flies when you’re having fun; here we find ourselves in a new year, with new challenges ahead—and of course our taxes are due. So let’s bring you up to date on some tax changes that we know of. (Remember this year could bring other tax changes that we don’t know about at this time).One big change is that 1099s have to be in to the IRS by January 31st of his…See More
Feb 7
Robert D. Bordett, CFP, CDFA posted a blog post

Social Security: How Do the New Rules Affect Divorced People?

The Association of Divorce Financial Planners held their annual conference this past October. One of the keynote speakers was Mary Beth Franklin, CFP, who is a contributing editor for Investment News. She spoke about the new Social Security rules and how to maximize benefits. Here is part of her talk relating to divorce:If married at least 10 years and currently unmarried, you may be able to collect on your ex-spouse’s work record as…See More
Dec 29, 2016
Robert D. Bordett, CFP, CDFA posted a blog post

The Association of Divorce Financial Planners’ 2016 Divorce Catalyst Conference

I recently attended The Association of Divorce Financial Planners 2016 Divorce Catalyst Conference, held from October 27-29. There were a number of excellent speakers and interesting topics presented over the three days: Day OneThe keynote speaker was Jeff Brend. Jeff is an attorney who specializes in family law and is a fellow of the American Academy of…See More
Nov 23, 2016
Robert D. Bordett, CFP, CDFA posted a blog post

Self-Executing Modifications: Six Things Everyone Should Know

One of the things I have learned over the years is that I cannot be a Jack-of-all-trades and a master-of-none. In today’s ever-changing world, we need to have connections with professionals in other disciplines and specialties. This is especially true working in the divorce area.In the past, it was the attorney’s job to do everything. Today divorcing…See More
Oct 27, 2016
Robert D. Bordett, CFP, CDFA posted a blog post

Guest Blogger: Scott Evans Talks About HELOC

In my last blog, I had an article by Scott Evans about ARM Rates. This is a continuation of mortgages.  Scott Evans wrote about Home Equity Line Resets.  Home Equity Line ResetsFor some, other looming issues are Home…See More
Oct 18, 2016
Robert D. Bordett, CFP, CDFA posted a blog post

Scott Evans: Adjustable Rate Mortgages Set to Skyrocket?

One of the things I have learned over the years is that we cannot be a Jack-of-all-trades and a master-of-none. In today’s ever-changing world, we need to have connections with professionals in other disciplines and specialities. This is especially true working in the divorce area.I think it is important that we do the same thing and have our own list of…See More
Sep 29, 2016

Badge

Loading…

About

© 2017   Created by Cynthia Tiano, Esq..   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service