Peaceful Divorce

How To Get A Divorce The Peaceful Way - Even If Your Ex Is Not On Board!

In my 30 years as a divorce attorney, and especially the last 16 years that I have been a divorce mediator, and now as a counselor, a phrase I have heard very often when I get up on my soapbox about Peaceful Divorce is, “but you don’t know my ex!” or “it’s not possible to have a peaceful divorce in my situation”. Not so. You CAN learn how to get a divorce the peaceful way, whether your spouse or ex is on board right now or not.
Now that may not be what you want to hear because what it does is place the responsibility for your life right back where it belongs, with you. Believe me, a lot of the resistance you are feeling when you think of changing your story about your relationship with your spouse or ex is for this very reason!

Nonetheless, this is the way life works. You are creating your life by the primary thoughts you are thinking, and the feelings you are feeling through the universal law of attraction. Divorce doesn’t exempt you from the laws of life! You are creating your reality! The time to own it is now!

That’s good news! Isn’t it a relief? Isn’t it empowering to understand that you have the power to change your relationship with your spouse or ex by changing your attitude, and when that changes, everything changes?

But I’ve tried that, you say! It doesn’t work! Oh yes it does. You must be consistent, and persistent. Are you holding the vision of the relationship you would like with your spouse or ex? What does it look like? Hold that vision consistently, and patiently, and it will begin to materialize before your very eyes. You know that what you focus on expands! What do you want your divorce to look like? Your life afterwards? What are you focusing on? What you want, or what you don’t want?

Are you focusing on what is right with your spouse or ex instead of what is wrong? Are you making a concerted effort to remember the qualities you respected and admired when you married this person and perhaps had children with them?

Going through divorce is like driving a car. Are you looking through the windshield, toward where you are going, or through the rear view mirror, stuck in the past? Be proactive in creating the vision of what you want it all to look like and consistently hold that vision. What vision are you holding? Is it of a peaceful divorce? Is it of a respectful, effective co-parenting relationship with your spouse or ex? Is it of healthy, happy children and meaningful future relationships for yourself?

Don’t give up! Hold the vision of what you want, not what you don’t want! You will move in the direction you are looking and before you know it, you will have created a peaceful divorce, and the pathway to being happily divorced, if that is what you truly desire.

Respectfully submitted,

Cynthia Tiano
Peaceful Divorce Mediator/Attorney/Coach
Author, "Happily Divorced, Secrets of the Win-Win Formula"

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Comment by Robert Kellner on November 16, 2012 at 5:12pm


When my wife and I decided to get a divorce 6 years ago the first call I made was to my father in law.  I told him no matter what comes my way I would treat his daughther with an amazing amount of respect, dignity and compassion.  This ended up being the most important call of my life.  While I had failed at marriage there was no way I was going to fail at divorce.  I certainly had a lot to be angry about but I refused to be a victim.  I came across a quote from the legendary John Wooden.  "The greatest gift a father can give his children is to love their mother."  I decided loving my boys mother would be even more important because we were getting divorced.  I very much believe in the Law of Vibration and Attraction.  The negativity which comes with divorce attracts more negativity into your life.  Figuring out how to love my ex has been the hardest thing I have ever done.  I have seen some extraordinary things happen becuase of it.  When my divorce was finalized (after a year) he called me up and told me to rip up a bill which had a years worh of fees on it.  I then received a call from my ex's attorney and she told me whe would reduce her bill to my ex by over half.  Today I am closer to my ex father in law then ever before and my kids are doing amazing.  I must admit I often feel very much alone in this way of thinking.  It was refreshing to see that I am not alone.      

Comment by Cindy Harari on November 30, 2010 at 9:56am
Thanks so much for reminding folks to be forward-focused and expend energy on what they want. It's the "power of one" and it works!
Comment by Cindy Harari on September 27, 2008 at 12:01pm
Having a former spouse or co-parent who is not “on the same page” is one of many challenges during or after divorce. The choices are to stay stuck in a place where you say: “he/she doesn’t get it, will never get it, won’t do it any other way” or take this time in your life as an opportunity to start doing things differently by shifting the focus to you.

When we say or do something, we cause a response or reaction. If we change the way we say or do things, we cause a change in the response or reaction of the people we are interacting with. I’ve called it "the power of one." Let’s look at an example:

In the course of divorcing, two parents are alternating weekends with their 2 children, ages 7 and 9. One the weekend that the children are with Mom, the 7-year-old has a soccer game at the same time that the 9-year-old has been invited to a birthday party. Mom cannot be in two places at once and becomes anxious and frustrated. Of course the children feel it. Mom’s vision, based on the dynamic that has evolved between the parents, is that “since it’s not Dad’s weekend, she has to figure it out herself,” creating stress for Mom and both children, and, possibly, perpetuating a complete lack of awareness in Dad.

What if Mom put aside her pre-conceived ideas about what Dad’s response might be and, even though it’s not “his” weekend, asked him to participate with her to facilitate the children’s activities on this day? It’s a different approach. It’s one person doing something differently and giving the other person the opportunity to do something differently in turn.

Maybe the underlying issue is that Mom doesn’t really want to share “her” weekend time with Dad. What’s that about? Maybe Dad really has no interest in seeing the children other than during “his” scheduled time. That’s something to look at too.

Time after time throughout the divorce process there are opportunities to make choices about how to approach issues that come up. If you have made the fundamental commitment to create a peaceful divorce, you will “talk the talk and walk the walk.” Over time, you will make more decisions and take more actions to further your commitment to creating a peaceful divorce.

If you don’t get the response you want from your former spouse or co-parent, don’t give up! This is a process that takes time, patience and work. You have the power to be proactive, persistent, and consistent about what you do to create your peaceful divorce. No one can control what anyone else says or does in response. However, you may be surprised to see that as you say and do things differently, the dynamics of your relationship with your former spouse or co-parent will begin to shift and your peaceful divorce will evolve.

Become an affiliate of the Happily Divorced! book and audio program! Let Reformed "Killer" Divorce Attorney, Cynthia Tiano, and Dr. Max Vogt, Marriage and Family Psychologist, take you on an adventure into the lives of two families going through the divorce legal system - one doing "legal battle" and the other creating a "peaceful divorce". Learn how to create a Win-Win from their experiences...


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