Peaceful Divorce

I recently attended a conference for The Academy of Professional Family Mediators in Memphis, Tennessee. One of the workshops I participated in was on elder care mediation, which gave some fascinating insights. A 2001 study, done by Debra B. Gentry, showed nearly 40% of adult children providing care for their parents reported serious conflict with siblings, usually related to a lack of sufficient help from those siblings. This study was part of an article entitled Resolving Middle Age Sibling Conflict Regarding Parent Care.

The workshop presenter gave a typical scenario between an elder parent and her children:

Child 1: "Mom should live in a retirement home where she can get help if she needs it."

Child 2: “No way! Mom wants to stay in her house, and if you would help, she'd be able to.”

Mom: "Why can't you two get along? I didn't raise you to argue with family!"

So how can family members make the process of caring for their elderly easier?  

  1. Treat parents as you would like to be treated—return their caring love.
  2. Find a strategy that works for everybody by engaging in healthy conversations—don't argue.
  3. Reach a fair agreement when talking about responsibilities.
  4. Work with elderly parents to come up with the best solutions, while keeping relationships intact.

How can mediation be used as a way to find better solutions to important quality of life questions?

All family members, including parents, should come to an agreement as to the inclusion of other participants in making decisions. These other participants could include the spouses of the children, grandchildren, friends or caregivers of the parents, medical providers, and lawyers.

The kinds of decisions that could be agreed upon could include living arrangements, personal care, driving ability, provisions in case of terminal illness, home upkeep and repairs, financial concerns, nursing home care, estate issues, guardianships, power of attorneys, and so on.

How would a family mediator be of assistance?

  • The mediator is a neutral third party who helps the family with the appropriate processes and can help them reach true consensus on decisions.
  • They can help clear up misunderstandings, by providing for expressions of true feelings, keeping the family on track, and helping family members heal hurt feelings.
  • They can encourage family members to focus on the best interests of their parents and help them evaluate different options if need be.

A mediator will NOT make any decisions for the family, provide family therapy, or practice law while serving as mediator.

Often, adult children get frustrated with their elderly parents. When I had both my parents in assisted living, I made a point every day to visit them. As time went along, this started becoming a burden, so it dropped to every other day, then once a week, ultimately visiting once every 2 weeks. This was because they were looking for interaction, and I wasn't. I soon realized that if I put myself in their position, that's not how I would want to be treated.

Views: 3

Comment

You need to be a member of Peaceful Divorce to add comments!

Join Peaceful Divorce

Become an affiliate of the Happily Divorced! book and audio program! Let Reformed "Killer" Divorce Attorney, Cynthia Tiano, and Dr. Max Vogt, Marriage and Family Psychologist, take you on an adventure into the lives of two families going through the divorce legal system - one doing "legal battle" and the other creating a "peaceful divorce". Learn how to create a Win-Win from their experiences... HappilyDivorced.org


Events

Latest Activity

Robert D. Bordett, CFP, CDFA posted a blog post

Getting Divorced? Don’t Forget about Long Term Care Insurance!

Often when people go through a divorce, their emotions are tied up. The questions on their mind are “how does this marriage end?” and “what do I get financially?” When they do think about health insurance, they usually don't consider long-term care insurance (LTCi). Why is it so important for recently divorced or currently divorcing couples to think about long term care planning? Two…See More
Jul 5
Robert D. Bordett, CFP, CDFA posted a blog post

The Grey Divorce

Perhaps you’ve heard about the phenomenon known as the “grey divorce” and are wondering what it’s all about. An important study conducted by the Department of Sociology and the National Center for Family and Marriage Research at Bowling Green State University entitled “The Grey Divorce Revolution” addressed this issue. I was attending the Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts’…See More
Jun 7
Robert D. Bordett, CFP, CDFA posted a blog post

Elder Care Mediation

I recently attended a conference for The Academy of Professional Family Mediators in Memphis, Tennessee. One of the workshops I participated in was on elder care mediation, which gave some fascinating insights. A 2001 study, done by Debra B. Gentry, showed nearly 40% of adult children providing care for their parents reported serious conflict with siblings, usually related to a lack of sufficient help from those siblings. This study…See More
May 17
Robert D. Bordett, CFP, CDFA posted a blog post

Parallel Parenting: Making the Best of a Bad Situation

I very much appreciate working on divorce cases with a team, as it has so much value for clients. Mental health professionals can bring much-needed clarity to very difficult situations. The following article, written by Howard Dructman, PhD and Marsha Schechtman, LCSW, Atlanta Behavioral Consultants, explains how the concept of parallel parenting works:A literature…See More
Apr 11
Robert D. Bordett, CFP, CDFA posted a blog post

Why Do I Have to Prepare a Budget?

We all hate the word budget. How many times have you had a budget that never worked and only made life harder? And when you didn't follow it, did you feel like you failed?If a budget is done right, it will provide many benefits that are crucial when going through a divorce.A budget is a guideline to help you forecast how your cash flow will look.Having a budget keeps your priorities and values straight. Many…See More
Mar 23
Robert D. Bordett, CFP, CDFA posted a blog post

The Difference Between Litigation and Mediation: It's Personal

People have a range of preconceptions about divorce, the law, and the courts. In reality, going before a judge to air your grievances about your soon-to-be ex-spouse is rarely as satisfying as movies and television shows may have you believe. Mediation offers a private, cost-efficient alternative to litigation—but before you choose either venue, there are some guiding principles to keep in mind:Don't expect…See More
Mar 7
Robert D. Bordett, CFP, CDFA posted a blog post

The Taxes They Are A-Changing

Time flies when you’re having fun; here we find ourselves in a new year, with new challenges ahead—and of course our taxes are due. So let’s bring you up to date on some tax changes that we know of. (Remember this year could bring other tax changes that we don’t know about at this time).One big change is that 1099s have to be in to the IRS by January 31st of his…See More
Feb 7
Robert D. Bordett, CFP, CDFA posted a blog post

Social Security: How Do the New Rules Affect Divorced People?

The Association of Divorce Financial Planners held their annual conference this past October. One of the keynote speakers was Mary Beth Franklin, CFP, who is a contributing editor for Investment News. She spoke about the new Social Security rules and how to maximize benefits. Here is part of her talk relating to divorce:If married at least 10 years and currently unmarried, you may be able to collect on your ex-spouse’s work record as…See More
Dec 29, 2016
Robert D. Bordett, CFP, CDFA posted a blog post

The Association of Divorce Financial Planners’ 2016 Divorce Catalyst Conference

I recently attended The Association of Divorce Financial Planners 2016 Divorce Catalyst Conference, held from October 27-29. There were a number of excellent speakers and interesting topics presented over the three days: Day OneThe keynote speaker was Jeff Brend. Jeff is an attorney who specializes in family law and is a fellow of the American Academy of…See More
Nov 23, 2016
Robert D. Bordett, CFP, CDFA posted a blog post

Self-Executing Modifications: Six Things Everyone Should Know

One of the things I have learned over the years is that I cannot be a Jack-of-all-trades and a master-of-none. In today’s ever-changing world, we need to have connections with professionals in other disciplines and specialties. This is especially true working in the divorce area.In the past, it was the attorney’s job to do everything. Today divorcing…See More
Oct 27, 2016
Robert D. Bordett, CFP, CDFA posted a blog post

Guest Blogger: Scott Evans Talks About HELOC

In my last blog, I had an article by Scott Evans about ARM Rates. This is a continuation of mortgages.  Scott Evans wrote about Home Equity Line Resets.  Home Equity Line ResetsFor some, other looming issues are Home…See More
Oct 18, 2016
Robert D. Bordett, CFP, CDFA posted a blog post

Scott Evans: Adjustable Rate Mortgages Set to Skyrocket?

One of the things I have learned over the years is that we cannot be a Jack-of-all-trades and a master-of-none. In today’s ever-changing world, we need to have connections with professionals in other disciplines and specialities. This is especially true working in the divorce area.I think it is important that we do the same thing and have our own list of…See More
Sep 29, 2016

Badge

Loading…

About

© 2017   Created by Cynthia Tiano, Esq..   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service