Which Piece of the Peaceful Divorce Puzzle Do You Have?

[Cynthia Tiano, Esq.]

Every member of this site has their own unique message around the issue of Peaceful Divorce. When we each share the piece that we have with one another, we can put the puzzle together! Please share with us what your mission and your message is!

[Cynthia Tiano, Esq.]

I love your forum post Laurie. That is exactly what is needed all across the board. As the momentum of this site continues to build, we will make a greater difference in the lives of those families who are in the crisis of divorce, and the positive effect on humanity as a whole will be exponential!

Thanks for helping to spread the message. Please feel free to let anyone you know who can assist us, or who needs our help, about our Peaceful Divorce site!

[Nadia Thonnard - Dip.Counselling and Communication (SACAP)]

Hi everyone. First I feel honored to share a piece of puzzle with all of you who have higher qualifications and more experience than me. I'm really a "baby" in the field - ok, this is just to help me feel younger!!! :-) -
First I want to address the word "Divorce" and challenge the labels it bears. Divorce is seen as socially unacceptable; it translates a relationship failure and has many more stigma attached to it.
I have come to believe than one should approach a relationship bearing in mind that a future separation is a possibility.
A Divorce should then shift from being seen as a Problem to being a Solution.
It's all about emotional intelligence.
This should become a mandatory subject in schools by the way!
But knowing that we do not live in this perfect world, we have to remember that as Parents, we are role models! Nothing more, nothing less. You can't escape what you model for your children. We have a responsibility and children shouldn't pay for their parent's mistakes.
It's important that children remain the focus. A divorce changes a family, it does not end a family.
My mission is to bring in the awareness that we must not forget the responsibility with have towards our children and we must respect and allow them to love both parents...

[Sharon Zarozny]

Beautifully said. I too am committed to helping people understand the word "divorce and challenge the labels it bears". Thank you for stating it so eloquently.
-Sharon

[Lisa C. Decker, CDFA]

Thanks for asking....

My piece of a peaceful divorce is helping people who are going through divorce to become enlightened to the financial aspects of their lives as a couple and soon to be as individuals.

I bring a voice of reason and calm in emotionally charged situations and help to clarify the true picture of their future financial lives.

My aim is provide a fair and equitable division of assets and debts that leave both parties feeling that they got a fair shake in the divorce so they can move on to the next chapter of their lives without bitterness and regret.

[Cindy Harari, Esq.]

Lisa, it’s been my experience that the financial piece is so intrinsically interwoven throughout the divorce process that a voice of wisdom such as yours is invaluable to families.

How many people do we know who have decided to “get divorced” and then spent tens of thousands of dollars (or more) and become frustrated because nothing is resolved satisfactorily within the adversarial system? The traditional divorce model serves to escalate anxiety, especially about money.

When children are involved, they may feel the “ripple effect” of their parents’ financial distress long after the divorce is “final.” We’ve all heard about the situations where one parent ends up with the money and the other without. Does that mean the parent with the money “won” the divorce? What message does this give to children? We know this imbalance is not necessary, and we know there is a better way.

Looking at the last few posts and considering divorce as a “solution” rather than a “problem” creates the ability to shift the paradigm and take a proactive approach. I believe we begin by educating both clients and other professionals about options to the traditional adversarial system and, as we provide the pieces of the puzzle, peaceful divorce will take shape.

[Lisa C. Decker, CDFA]

It is just common sense that the peaceful way is the winning way for all the parties involved (except maybe the "shark" attorneys!). When each spouse feels that they have been heard and that they are getting a fair deal then they can move on with dignity. And it is even more important when there are children involved. Setting an example for their own children on how to resolve disputes in a peaceful manner will lead to much more happiness for everyone in the future and more money in their own pockets for a more prosperous future as well.

[Dr. Blair Barone - Child Psychologist - Holistic Specialist]

As a child psychologist, my piece to the puzzle is to help children of divorce find the silver lining. Divorce, like all lifes challenges, presents an opportunity for children and teens to stretch and grow. My mission is to empower children with the necessary psychological coping skills so that they can see the cookie jar as half full and turn those lemons into coolaide.

[Rosalind Sedacca, CCT]

So good to have you on board with us, Blair. Your expertise is a valuable addition to the puzzle. I enjoyed meeting you last week and look forward to collaborating with you on future ventures.

[J Kim Wright]

I hold several pieces of the puzzle. I've been divorced three times. (I stopped getting married but have ended two other important relationships that were as long as two of my marriages.) I'm still friends with two of my three ex-husbands. Between 1977 when my first son was born and 2003 when my youngest left home, I raised kids as a mother, step-mother, host parent, foster mother, and haven for homeless teens. There were sixteen kids who lived with me during those years. I'm still close to many of them.

In 1987, with seven kids at home, I went to law school. During law school, I was a Guardian ad Litem, representing abused and neglected children then working in a pilot program as an advocate for children in divorces.

In 1989, I was executive director of a domestic violence program, providing direct and indirect services to women who were leaving violent relationships. I became an expert on domestic violence. I even trained police officers, victim advocates, and community leaders in dynamics of domestic violence. I created a domestic violence task force in my town and have participated in such task forces in several communities since then.

I started practicing law in 1994 and have always focused on divorce law. In my first trial, my client won custody of her child but the conflict escalated. I realized that the litigation skills I'd learned so well in law school were not the best for my clients. I began to explore other options. I learned about collaborative law, mediation, and multi-disciplinary approaches. In the mid-1990's, I opened a Divorce & Family Law Center with mediation, coaching, social work along with legal services. I still litigated when necessary but preferred to resolve cases out of court. People in town who kept score told me that I won more cases than other lawyers but I felt each trial was a failure because of the damage that litigation caused to the family. How can you wage nuclear war then expect to peacefully and cooperative parent children?

I researched to find alternatives to litigation that allowed families to create win-win solutions. In 1999 and 2000, I wrote a web site about the legal trends I'd learned about. The Renaissance Lawyer web site focused on peacemaking and healing approaches like collaborative law, transformational mediation, restorative justice, therapeutic jurisprudence and many other new models, approaches and ideas. The site got over 100,000 visitors a year and many believe it helped shape the movement toward a more humanistic, healing profession. I began a coaching practice for lawyers about transforming their practices to peacemaking, collaborative practices. I became a trainer and speaker on the new peacemaking and healing paradigm.

In 2004, after focusing on coaching and networking for a few years, I went back to working with clients as a mediator in Oregon. (I had moved there but wasn't a licensed lawyer there. I mediated because no license was needed.) A few months later, I decided I ought to return to law practice and moved back to North Carolina. I started a firm, Healers of Conflicts Law & Conflict Resolution Center, that implemented as many of the new ideas as I could. (See www.healersofconflicts.com)

Recently, I'm working on the launch of a new website which showcases the history and development of the movement, www.cuttingedgelaw.com. I've been on the road for the last six months, interviewing the pioneers of the movement. I have uploaded some of the videos already while the site is under construction. See for example, the founder of Collaborative Law, Stu Webb at http://cuttingedgelaw.com/node/68. You can also hear me talk about it at http://cuttingedgelaw.com/node/23.

[Cynthia Tiano, Esq.]

Kim, we are so happy to have you here! What an amazing convergence this peaceful divorce movement is!

It is inspiring to us divorce professionals, who may sometimes feel like we are trying to change the world on our own, to know that there are so many of us out there with the same intention and message.

Please feel free to connect with our other members, and to add to our voices here!

Warm regards.

Cynthia Tiano

[Cynthia Tiano, Esq.]

This reply is from our new member J. Richard Kulerski, J.D., whose website address is
http://DivorceBuddySystem.com.

Cynthia -

Thank you for welcoming me into the group.

My piece of the peaceful divorce puzzle addresses something that society and our predecessors in divorce seem to have overlooked.

If we want to learn how to drive, we take lessons. It's the same with karate, dancing, golf, driving, breast feeding, etc.. There are even instructions and tips for learning how to sell a yo-yo on eBay.

But they never gave us any lessons on how to get divorced. No one tells us what to say and do (and not say and do!) if we hope to persuade our partner to agree to a peaceful, out-of-court settlement.

If society had never required driving instruction, we would have just experienced a century of unnecessary car wrecks. Without specific instruction on how to behave during one-on-one spousal settlement conversations, we have, in fact, already experienced a century of divorce wrecks/wars, many of which were likely unnecessary.

I have come across many newly revealed and effective things that divorcing spouses can now do to entice their spouses to join them in making their ordeal quicker, saner, and more affordable. I plan on sharing these insights with the group.

The more I learn is the more I realize that I need to learn, and whatever I have to offer is certainly far from complete.

I sincerely ask for and welcome any and all input.

J. Richard Kulerski, J.D.

[Cynthia Tiano, Esq.]

Richard -

We are very grateful to have you here and are looking forward to more of your pearls of wisdom!

Cynthia