Peaceful Divorce

Every member of this site has their own unique message around the issue of Peaceful Divorce. When we each share the piece that we have with one another, we can put the puzzle together! Please share with us what your mission and your message is!

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This reply is from our new member Kristi Sutter, LMFT and a Parent Coordinator:

My piece to the peaceful divorce puzzle is helping individuals explore their childhood experiences and relationships and how they use these to select a partner. Looking at their attempt to repeat what is familiar to them, or attempt repairing what is familiar but not satisfying, can be life changing. I have seen the anger decrease between partners when each realizes that their being together was not a chance happening. Understanding this process can produce compassion for each partner's struggle taking blame away. This is a difficult process. Some partners would rather blame and stay angry. Those who can look at themselves will grow, change and look at divorce as an opportunity.
I love your response and concur about its validity. A great way to open the door to meaningful change within each individual and the couple. Thanks for sharing this valuable insight for us all to explore.

Best regards,
Rosalind
The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce
My mission and piece to the Peaceful Divorce puzzle is varied but mainly one of fostering empowerment. I have seen too much of the profound and many times permanent financial and emotional devastation that litigation can produce. People's futures are altered by this process, none more than the children involved. Families are not destroyed by divorce, they are destroyed by conflict, and the traditional divorce trial process holds nothing but upheaval and depletion of personal and family strengths. I think many parents enter into litigation out of fear of the unknown, of what they may lose, of change, and end up being led down a very rocky and unnecessary road by the court system. I hope to provide alternatives to couples who want to continue being the best parents they can be after their personal relationship has changed, and I hope to educate others that may be conflict focused on what can be done differently. In my practice I find that keeping the roles of Parent Coordinator, Custody Evaluator, Therapist and Mediator separate is difficult. I cannot be more than one to any family. But I think having those varying perspectives provides a broad base to offer guidance from and to link with other professionals in the field as a member of a team.
Linda, thank you for that insightful and inspirational reply. We are honored to have you as a member here, and believe that as our numbers grow, families and humanity in general will be uplifted and empowered.

Keep up the good work!

Cynthia
Thanks for your insights. I totally agree with your perspective and hope you will join me in spreading the word about just that through National Child-Centered Divorce Month in July. Read more about it at www.childcentereddivorce.com at the bottom of the Home page. Join me, as well, at the Child-Centered Divorce Group at LinkedIn.

Regards,
Rosalind Sedacca
Hello! I was delighted to find your website. I'm a psychotherapist and have been working with grievers for the past 20 years. I turned my attention specifically to 'divorcers' in the last 2 years (since my own collaborative divorce in 2007, actually). My piece of the puzzle is that I stress lessons from eastern religious traditions to help couples divorce more peacefully. I emphasize forgiveness, compassion, acceptance, karma, mindfulness, and meditation to help individuals stay grounded and resist the temptation to escalate hostilities. I'm thrilled that there are so many like-minded professionals to help create a new template for divorce!
We are delighted to have you here! Thanks for sharing your "piece of the puzzle" with us. Please feel free to post relevant articles or blog posts, audios or videos, and to connect with your peers here.

If you need any help, please let me know!
My mission is to work with like minded professionals in a less adversarial divorce process. As a family law attorney and mediator, I try to steer my clients towards finding a solution rather than unnecessarily litigating a case. This saves money and helps preserve the family unit.
Hi Lori:

So appreciate your focus on creating a peaceful divorce and all the work you do to steer parents in the right direction.
Thanks Lori for your contribution and commitment to helping create peaceful divorces for those families engaged in the process. There is power in numbers, and our numbers as peaceful divorce professionals is definitely on the rise.

Please feel free to connect with others on this site to continue to get our message out in a powerful way. Let me know if there is anything I may do to help!

Regards,

Cynthia Tiano
As an attorney I purposely chose not to practice in the area of family law, particulary after watching how the process negatively affected the emotional and physical health of some of my colleagues who practiced in that area. Recently I decided to follow my heart and change my career path to the "helping" industry. I believe that my piece of the puzzle, so to speak, begins when the couple or family first notices a breakdown in the family system (prior to initiating divorce proceedings), during the divorce proceedings - to facilitate better communciation and acceptance on the impending changes in the family dynamics, and after the divorce proceedings have ended to help the individuals through the healing process - particularly where children are involved.
My practice is "Family Law, Family Style". There are different and creative ways of addressing the family's needs and other issues in a divorce; and only in a small number of cases is all out litigation necessary - usually where there are severe concerns of domestic violence, mental illness, or child-snatching.

Are there are safety issues involved? Is there a need to protect a spouse and/or children from domestic violence/a tug-o-war/emotional scarring? If so, then safety and emotional re-empowerment must come first. As we all know, filing for divorce can be an extremely dangerous time for the spouse trying to leave an abusive relationship.

Once safety has been addressed/if there is no violence, then I would want to look at possible options for resolving the divorce in a non-adversarial manner, including possible referrals to mediation, family therapy, and other counseling. Discovery can be done cooperatively in many cases.

However, where there are safety issues, significant financial need, or serious lack of cooperation in the divorce process, I will not hesitate to take it to court. This can itself be a useful settlement/resolution tool for the client. It's a question of being able to walk the talk; and both parties knowing it will benefit them more to talk than fight (win-win, vs. win-lose).

Hawaii Family Court judges are also well versed in dispute resolution methods, and are usually willing to explore creative options with both counsels - in many cases, at the initial appearance, counsels might brainstorm options with the court before actual hearing, and matters then often move swiftly to mediation and settlement as reality hits both parties.

In Hawaii, the courts also require families with children to participate in child-centric educational programs in order to get their divorces. These programs, led by judges and child therapists, seek to provide parents with the information and tools to help get their children through the divorce as un-scarred as possible. There are separate activities for the parents and the children, including a special video presentation. I have served as a facilitator for the children's program in the past; and the children are often more aware of, and scarred by, the parent's interpersonal dynamics than the parents know or could believe.

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